Things are weighing heavily on my mind today. Awaking from a rough slumber (if it could truly even be named that) at 3am this morning and never being able to drift back off is taking it's toll.
My soul is conflicted. My heart hurts. My body feels heavy. My body is heavy. But perhaps my heart is heavy too. I want the openess and raw honesty boho chic shares about her body struggles here. I want to be able to shop at Antropologie here. Not that I could afford it, but I need my body to at least allow the possiblity. Which I believe emphasizes my pain and confusion - that I "need" to. And where does this desire arise from? Society? Family? Friends? Co workers? TV? Print Media? Yes. Myself? Yes. Why? I am searching for that answer because I think it's key.
This is what I know. A few weeks ago I couldn't get my wedding band/engagement ring off (they are welded together). We almost had to cut it off. I was in tears because it hurt so bad. But the reason I was in tears was because it really HURT SO BAD. For some reason, buying yet another size larger of pants or shirts never really broke through. Yes, it depressed me. Yes, it brought me and yes, it disappointed me. But inside, I felt okay and I guess I still thought I looked like the person I was 50 pounds ago when I got married. When I could no longer where my wedding band my soul hurt all the way to the bottoms of my feet. I've admitted defeat and I am crushed. How does one pick up, dust off and move forward? I know I need to lose weight and become healthier for many reasons, the least of which is my "mental" health (how I feel about my body because of my weight and shape). But how can I do that when I hate what I see in the mirror? When I hate what I feel in my body? When I hate what I feel inside? Help...
4/20/2009
Labels: stories about me
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6 comments:
Oh, girl. I feel you. I was letting my husband play with my phone today at lunch, and he opened a little app I have that tracks my weight. And it made me realize that since Thanksgiving of '08, I've lost 4 pounds, gained 3, lost 10 pounds, gained back 11, then lost 4 again. Seriously... I'm a roller coaster. And my self-image is so reliant on the number on the scale, or which pair of jeans I can fit into.
Last Friday, I refused point blank to go to a networking function my husband wanted me to go to because I couldn't fit into any of my dress clothes.
So I don't have many words of wisdom for you (being a solid 25 pounds heavier than I was when I got married, and pretty much hating myself all the time). But I wanted you to know that you're not alone. :)
Lauren...
This post is just heart breaking... and I want to reach out to you and give you a big hug...
(((hug))))
I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same place as you about a month ago. 2 weeks ago I started a diet called Herbal Life. Kind of like Slim Fast, but it's all natural and all good for you. In 2 weeks the scale said I gained .4 pounds from when I started, BUT I had to tighten my belt a notch because my pants are falling off! It feels so good! Whatever you do to get yourself healthy, good luck - I am rooting you on! Maybe we should start a "Getting Healthy" Club over at SC? I know I would be game! Hang in there dear! (((hug)))
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too have often had the same thoughts. For me though I have have just gotten to a place of acceptance. I don't think I have settled (with my weight issues) I have just accepted them...know what i mean?
I try and I fail...I try again...and I fail again...but in the end I am who I am and Heavenly Father has given me this path for a reason. I don't quite know why..but it is what it is.
Find out what works for you...and don't be so hard on your self...easier said than done I know...
Good luck girl! Know you aren't alone!!!
Oh. I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better.
I don't know you in real life. But I can tell you a few things that I do know about you. Your blog is a beautiful place to visit. Your crafting is inspiring. The snippets that you share about your life are interesting, funny and thought provoking. I am always happy to see that you've visited my blog.
That kind of stuff has to mean more than a number on a scale, eh?
You know I empathize with you... I'm still struggling with getting the weight off too... try making a list of reasons you want to lose weight and post it where you can see it. Self image & attractiveness aren't bad things to include, but don't forget health, family (including the twinkles ;) wearing things like your wedding ring (that beautiful BLUE diamond!) and whatever other positive outcomes you can think of. Imagine these things in your mind, think of how nice it will be to eventually get there again! Force yourself to look at this with an attitude of determination and resolve, rather than looking at the scale and getting discouraged. Make a solid diet/exercise plan, and keep your motivations list handy. You can do this, I've seen you be determined before and I know you can do it! You are loved regardless... just take it one day at a time.
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